When All Else Fails
by Promethium
Summary: Dark Ace takes desperate measures to obey his master as he challenges the Storm Hawks to a series of insanely immature battles and games.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE: An Idea

"Why can't you just _win _for once!?" Cyclonis shrieked, chucking her full coffee cup at the despondent Dark Ace standing in front of her. He dodged the brown liquid skillfully.

A Talon quickly scurried across the floor to mop it up.

"_Well?!?_ Is there absolutely no way? Huh? Are those Storm Hawks just waay better than you or what?"

"No," Dark Ace said lamely, shuffling his feet and shrugging.

"I can see you eyeing the exit, Dark Ace," Cyclonis snapped irritably. "You are staying here."

He slumped pitifully in shame.

"Whatever," the master said indifferently. "I want something done. NOW."

With that, she stormed out of the room, leaving Dark Ace to his own thoughts.

* * *

I know it's short! But it's only the beginning!

Reviews would make my life even happier...=)


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO: A Plan

"Okay, great, hand it over." Cyclonis wiggled her outstretched fingers eagerly.

"Uhm," Dark Ace stalled. "Well..."

The wiggling doubled as she expectantly raised her eyebrows. "You said you had a plan."

Dark Ace tapped his head. "It's in my brain," he admitted.

The master narrowed her eyes. "When does go into action?"

Dark Ace grinned. "It already has."

* * *

Piper wearily flopped out of bed, groaning. It was summer again. And it was _so _warm. Unbearably warm.

She lazily shuffled out to the kitchen, pulling open the fridge. Toast, orange juice, apple, her brain thought automatically. Same old, same old.

The Cyclonians were predicted to attack today. She predicted they would win. Again. Predictable, predictable.

Piper peered out of the window into the blue without expecting to see anything.

She did, however.

A small, neatly addressed envelope fluttering down to the hangar bay, where it rested. She retrieved it and placed it on the counter. It was addressed to the Storm Hawks.

Just then, the rest of the squadron began to stir.

"Battle tactics, polish skimmers," Aerrow muttered as he wandered out. "Defeat Cyclo--" His eyes fell on the envelope. "What's that?"

She shrugged, turning to her toast.

Finn, Stork and Junko padded out simultaneously, Stork immediately rushing to the Autopilot button. Junko opened the fridge. Finn dashed to the envelope: "Fanmail!"

It wasn't fanmail, of course, but instead a curious letter from...the Dark Ace?

"An invitation?" Finn snorted.

"A trap," Stork suggested.

"A watermelon seed-spitting contest?" Aerrow said disbelievingly.

Stork moaned in despair. "_Totally_ a trap."


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE: Preparations

"You can_not _not be joking," Piper snapped, to busy pouring juice to actually see the message.

"I'm not joking!" Aerrow insisted. "When have I ever lied?"

She glowered. "When you ate my cookie and you said you _didn't _eat my cookie when I _saw _you eat my c--"

Aerrow groaned. "Piper, that was six years ago."

"Still," Piper insisted, "You have lied, and are therefore not to be trusted."

Aerrow rolled his eyes and turned back to the letter.

"You can't do this," Stork said, gasping for air. "It's a trap; I know it."

"Who even _knows _how to spit watermelon seeds?" Junko blurted.

He was met with silence.

* * *

A few hours later, they were hovering above Cyclonia.

"Have I made it clear that I will _not _be leaving the ship?" Stork said in a nervous, wavering voice.

They nodded.

"Why are we even here?" Junko mused.

"_Honor_," the entire squadron chorused, minus Aerrow. (It was his idea...)

Radarr cackled. "REEK!"

* * *

"Puh-_leez._" Cyclonis choked, splayed sideways across her throne. "That is, like, _hilarious_."

Dark Ace stiffened.

Cyclonis giggled again. "We are _so _gonna lose. I have to, like, get Ravess to watch this with me." She giggled again.

Dark Ace sighed. Teenagers and caffeine were a dangerous combination.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER THREE: Preparations

Cyclonis snapped the bottle of sunscreen open and squirted a dollop of the greasy, banana-scented goo onto her pale hand.

Ravess sniggered.

Her master glared at the sharpshooter from under her Cyclonia baseball cap. "I just burn easily, okay?"

Cyclonis's irritable snapping made Ravess giggle harder. "_I _don't even _need _sunscreen. And I _tan_." She stroked her brown arms happily.

Cyclonis glowered. "If we weren't in public, you'd be dead," she muttered, gnashing her teeth as she rubbed the sunscreen across her nose.

* * *

  
Dark Ace, meanwhile, was having certain difficulties.

It wasn't...working...

Well, it was, he just didn't think...

Ugh.

Cyclonis and Ravess giggled in the background as Dark Ace and Snipe carefully picked out each and every seed out of the enormous watermelon.

"Geez," Snipe said dumbly. "I thought we were just supposed to slice it, and then you guys would eat it and spit the seeds out..."

Dark Ace sighed at the stupidity of his assistant. "But then it wouldn't be _fair. _There would be an uneven number of seeds."

"Oh," Snipe replied, obviously not understanding at all. He picked at his fingernails, which were dyed pink with watermelon juice. "Okay."

And just then, the Storm Hawks arrived.

* * *

Thanks so much for everyone who's reviewed or added my story to Story Alert! I really appreciate the fact that someone is really reading this. =)

Meanwhile, I shall continue updating, before I forget everything.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FOUR: Juicy Juice

"Now, Dark Ace," Cyclonis said in a falsely sweet voice. "Everybody loses sometimes, right?"

Dark Ace continued slurping furiously from his giant glass of purple liquid, stoically staring straight ahead.

Cyclonis rolled her eyes. "Okay Dark Ace," she said, in the same slow, syrupy voice. "Just come up with Plan B and everything will be _fine. _Alright?"

The Dark Ace did not answer.

_Slurp, slurp._

His master's eyes narrowed a bit. "Alright? Plan B?"

He did not reply.

Cyclonis took a deep, deep breath and closed her eyes. _Control, _she thought. _Breathe in, breathe out. Count to ten and ba--_

Her closed eyes snapped open as her servant took a particularily large schloop out of his drink. And she flew into a rage.

"You WILL come up with a Plan B!" She screamed. "You WILL do what I say! You _WILL REPLY_!"

Cyclonis ended with a strangled hiccup as she calmed her breathing. She steadied her self, and noticed that Dark Ace hadn't come up with a Plan B. He hadn't replied. He hadn't done what she said.

_SMACK!_

Dark Ace's drink flew out of his hand, the purple liquid staining his shirt. His eyes widened in shock.

Cyclonis, hand still hovering where Dark Ace's cheek recently was, stared at the purple in a mixture of disgust and surprise.

"Dark Ace," she said slowly. "What is that?"

Finally, the Dark Ace spoke. "...Juicy Juice."

* * *

This is a random short piece I randomly came up with after the poor Dark Ace realized he'd never be able to spit watermelon seeds. =(


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX: Another Plan

"And I just rocked on, totally, right?" Finn said, his blonde head bobbing up and down enthusiastically.

The rest of the squadron nodded happily.

"However," Stork put in quickly. "It was most likely a highly insanitary environment in which--"

Aerrow interrupted Stork's brief lecture as he gathered the Storm Hawks around the table. "Okay," he said. "Now we have to find another equally awesome way to beat the Cyclonians again."

There were a few silent minutes of heavy pondering.

Suddenly Piper burst out laughing. She giggled and guffawed as her shoulders shook uncontrollably. "I h-have a"--giggle--"plan..."

Everyone leaned in curiously. What could it be?

* * *

An hour and a half later, Finn found himself tiptoeing around the men's room of the Cyclonian stronghold.

He winced. It was so _clean. _And it smelled like perfume.

A few doors away, Piper was busy in the ladies room with tape and a few sheets of paper.

This was going to be _so_...her mind struggled to find the right word.

It was going to be _so_...freaky. And immature. And weird. And...awesome. Piper sniggered.

* * *

Ravess wanted to tear her violet hair out and SCREAM. She was so. Stressed. Out.

Her heels clonked loudly and frantically as she flounced to the restroom. She needed to relax. Majorly.

Fighting back tears, the sharpshooter shoved her way past a few gossiping minor Talons and locked herself in the nearest stall. She collapsed on the toilet seat and began silently sobbing.

She needed a raise! She had too much work! Snipe was so annoying and embarassing and immature and stupid and they were related! All of her instruments were off pitch! Everything was wrong! She pounded her fist on her tired knees and sniffed loudly.

Once she her heart rate calmed down to a normal speed, Ravess froze.

She felt like she was being...watched.

The Cyclonian jumped up from the toilet seat and bent down to peek out of the stall. The surrounding ones where empty. She climbed up on the toilet--no one.

Still, she had the unshakeable feeling that she was being spied on. Ravess sat down again, her eyes darting frantically around and--

Then she saw it.

And screamed.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN: The Smile of Doom

"And it w-was j-just l-l-l-looking at me in this creepy way and it was so s-s-scary and omygosh i-it, it..."

Ravess sobbed spastically to Cyclonis as a Talon soothingly massaged her feet, blistered from her high-heeled escape from _it._

"Ravess," Cyclonis said. "What is _it?_"

The sharpshooter's eyes widened and she began to wail. Again.

* * *

Cyclonis rolled her eyes as she made her way to the bathroom. Oh, the things she did for Ravess. It was sad.

On bright side, she actually needed to go.

She flipped the lights on and closed a stall door behind her.

Cyclonis sat down, and saw _it._

_It _was a large, round smiley face. _It _had large, oval, unemotional eyes with a thin black line drawing an enormous grin on it's lemon yellow face.

Cyclonis's eyebrows rose as she sat down on the toilet.

It was so unsettling. She was being _watched. _

This was so stupid.

She squeezed herself to the left corner of the stall. Then the right. She bent down. She stood on the seat. She covered the two eyes with thin toilet paper.

The eyes were still _following _her.

Oh, it was queer.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT: Natasha Marie

"This is unacceptable."

"It is unacceptable."

"It will _not _be accepted."

"It will not be accepted."

"Dark Ace," Cyclonis said, frustrated. "Stop it."

"Dark Ace," Dark Ace said, smugly. "I will stop it."

Cyclonis gnashed her teeth as she lovingly stroked her favorite trackbeast.

"Dark Ace," she said again. "Isn't this a beautiful trackbeast?"

"This is a beautiful trackbeast," Dark Ace replied, almost robotically.

"_Stop it! _Just say _yes!_"

"...yes."

Cyclonis sighed. "Will the Storm Hawks have a trackbeast as adorable as Natasha Marie, Dark Ace?"

Dark Ace's bulged slightly at the mention of "adorable" and the name "Natasha Marie".

"....no," he said.

Natasha Marie mewed happily.

* * *

"They're brains have been infested. It's a new epidemic, I'm sure." Stork rubbed his green fingers together nervously.

"Whatevs." Finn grinned. "Radarr is _so _ready to win _any _cutest pet contest.

Junko grinned with him. "Radarr is adorable!"

Radarr's eyes narrowed. He didn't like being adorable.

"And best of all," Finn announced. "Harrier is judging!"

* * *

A/N: I know. This is getting really, really crazy. But I'm having fun. =D


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE: Trackbeast Love

Harrier picked delicately at his cuticles, raising his perfect eyebrows at the blue monkey thing and the seemingly rabid trackbeast. The blue monkey was gorging itself on bananas. The trackbeast was chewing Cyclonis's old pink tennis shoes.

Neither of them were _close _to cute. He sighed dismally. How was it ever going to work? Harrier briefly considered making it a tie.

Then he remembered Cyclonis growling "You'd _better _make me win!" He glanced over at the trackbeast. She growled too.

OOO

Radarr felt kind of....woozy.

It was probably just the hairspray, he thought. He didn't like hairspray. Or the his manicured nails. He didn't like Piper shampooing him much either.

Wiping some banana mush from his mouth, he glanced at the trackbeast Natasha Marie again.

He was definitely feeling dizzy now.

It kind of felt _good. _

It kind of felt like..._love._ At first sight. Or second.

He sat there staring at the trackbeast dreamily. Her fur was so...glossy. Natasha Marie turned and gave him a dazzling snarl.

He fainted with delight.

OOO

Far, far away, a hen sat on her nest. She clucked happily as she stroked a picture of a blue sky monkey lovingly with her feathery wings...


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN: A Dangerous Solution

"He isn't moving!" Aerrow cried, frantically slapping Radarr's unconscious face.

Stork sighed. He _felt _those premonitions. _Something _was going to go wrong. Here it was.

The Storm Hawks crowded over their Cutest Pet contestant, slapping him, pouring him in water, and screaming in his large blue ears.

The Cyclonians looked on, amused.

"It was the hairspray," Junko sobbed. "The hairspray did it."

"Two more minutes," Cyclonis called, smirking. She was _so _going to win this.

"What are you going to do?" Stork asked. "This isn't my problem," he added hastily as the squadron shot him unkind looks. " I _said _it was a bad idea. Blame Finn. It's always his fault."

"It is _not _always my fau--"

Suddenly, Piper had a solution. A dangerous solution. A crazy solution.

"Well," she said. "Let's enter Finn instead!"

* * *

I promise the next chapter will be longer! I know this is getting really crazy. But crazy is always fun.


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